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A 2021 Review: The Craziest Things That Happened This Year
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A 2021 Review: The Craziest Things That Happened This Year

December 29, 2021
https://twitter.com/SICKOFWOLVES/status/1376406322921496581

Well done babes, we made it.

And what a crazy year. It’s only once I started researching this article and going back through my liked tweets did I realise that holy shit, humans are absolutely nuts. And I thought, why not have a laugh about it?

I’ve decided in this 2021 recap to only include hilariously crazy items, because god knows there’s been a lot of fucked up things this year, and going into the 3rd year of the pandemic, we really don’t need any more downers than we’ve already got. So strap in and enjoy this list of all the crazy things that happened this year that made me laugh out loud. Yes, the bar is low, but you’ve read enough of my work now to know what I find funny. Hopefully, if you’re still reading, you do too.

Joe Biden became president of the USA

Everyone’s favourite grandpa became President of the United States of America. On one hand, this is a blessing considering the alternate up for the job is an absolute moron – a super-callous-fragile-racist-sexist-Nazi-POTUS if you will. On the other, whether Joe Biden is up for the job, it remains to be seen. All in all, he’s got a big job cleaning up all the mess the last moron left. As long as he’s got his ecological and social virtues in the right place, that’s okay with me.

Armie Hammer is an actual, real-life cannibal

Like I never expected cannibals to be as hot as Armie Hammer. It was a real-life awakening for me. Yes, psychopaths look just like us – and cannibals too! Feel a bit sorry for his wife, but not actually that sorry considering that if they’d stayed married, she might’ve ended up as filet steak. I mean, that girl he was having an affair with only just got to keep her big toe. Thankfully it didn’t end up in his pocket, like he had hoped.

Some ego-centric billionaires tried to race each other to space

In the world’s most expensive dick swinging contest, Richard Branson, Elon Musk, and Jeff Bezos tried to race each other to space. Unfortunately (although any which one of them would have been unfortunate), Jeff won by shooting himself into space along with his brother and two other civilians. The entire 10-minute and 10-second flight I guess is the new version of flying over the Great Barrier Reef, or flying over the Alps. Except it cost $5.5 billion to set up the company, Blue Origin, and seats on the rocket go for around $28 million. Meanwhile rockets emit 100 times more CO2 than passengers on an earthly flight. So that’s a thing. The bright side is that no, Jeff Bezos is not an astronaut, according to the Federal Aviation Administration, who say that you have to essentially pilot it yourself or assist with its flight to be considered an astronaut. Just like sitting in business class doesn’t make me a pilot. Jeff Bezos was reportedly so pissed about it, that he made an ex-NASA astronaut award him with a custom Blue Origin wings pin, like a little fake FBI detective badge that you give to a child. Cute.

A bunch of morons in Viking helmets broke into The Capitol in support of a live Cheeto

Ah, idiots everywhere. And there was a congregation of them that decided to break into the Capitol building – a government building – for Trump, of all people. Unfortunately, there weren’t as many consequences for these dunces as I would like, but the bright side is, that women on Hinge are pretending to be right-wing supporters and then reporting them to the FBI when they confess. It’s fantastic, really. Girl power!

Camilla thought the wildest thing that happened at COP26 was that Joe Biden did a smelly

Honestly the biggest news story I heard about COP26 was that Camilla was talking to Joe Biden and he did a long and loud smelly. Out of all the great points brought up in COP26, and all Camilla could talk about was a presidential smelly??? All that talk of excess methane must have set him off.

Harry Styles was in a Marvel movie

Yes, my greatest wish has come true. As a huge Marvel stan, and an even bigger Harry Styles fan (I used to read Harry Styles fanfiction. Like actually read Harry Styles fanfiction. Who even am I) it’s honestly like my two loves coming together in holy matrimony. Playing Thanos’ brother, we always knew Harry was powerful and now it’s come to a head as character Eros, a celestial being that can stimulate pleasure of anyone within 25 feet. Harry Styles can… do that anyway, and he can do that without even being in viewing distance. So overall, pretty good work from the casting director.

Ever Given blocked the Suez Canal and we realised how precarious our postal system is

Someone fell asleep at the wheel, and woke up feeling like they’re drunk in bed and on an extremely large revolving carousel. “Disaster, my geometry’s all wrong! I should be heading straight down the canal instead of… into the desert!” Too late, he blocked it, like an extremely efficient but extremely inconvenient beaver with a dam. Poor dude ended up stopping billions of dollars of cargo from passing through one of the world’s busiest canals – you just know he got a whooping. For some reason it gave Twitter a real moment of peace, knowing that all you have to do to slow down the world a little is drive a cargo ship really badly.

My Boyfriend and My Wife – turns out they are dating

Yes, I am talking about Tom Holland and Zendaya. Tom has been on my Hot 100 list (quite near the top) for some time, and now his hotness has been boosted significantly due to those paparazzi pics. Zendaya is one of the – if not the – best dressed celebs on the planet, and god knows she’s hot A.F. Together those two are so powerful, it basically shakes the ground with the amount of feet that run after them in awe. One thing that always makes me giggle though is how they’re putting little heels on Tom’s dress shoes at premières to try and lessen the height difference. Shout out to our short kings.

Taylor Swift released her 10 minute version of ‘All Too Well’ and we all fell into a depression

Not that we weren’t in a depression already with the pandemic, you know, but we fell more deeply into our depression when this song came out, and Jake Gyllenhall fucking stole her scarf!!! Honestly this song genuinely made me cry, and now every time I listen to it I feel like I’m punishing myself – in the best way. Like pressing a bruise. I am also mad that her boyfriend didn’t show up to her 21st birthday party. So rude. Also, poor Jake Gyllenhall who is just trying to live his best life was swarmed by angry Swifties yelling about some scarf?

A lot of grown ass people got angry that she was “bringing up her old shit”, but I’m sorry to say sweaties (my favourite purposeful misspelling) that Taylor is just trying to own her own body of work. Have you never read the news? ‘All Too Well (Taylor’s Version)’ made history by being the longest No.1 hit of all time, after beating Don McLean’s ‘American Pie’ which previously held the record for almost half a century. Also, the album broke Spotify’s most streamed album in a day record, which was coincidentally her own record as last year’s Folklore. Imagine doing that with a 10-year-old re-recorded album, bitch. Go cry to someone else about it, bitch.

See Also
Blonde: What Have They Done To Marilyn Monroe?

Literally zombies starting dating the most sought-after women on the planet

Okay, sue me, but is it just me or is Pete Davidson like not hot at all? I’m sorry, he just doesn’t do it for me. Neither does MGK, who looks like a zombie marionette. Since when are extremely pale, dark eye bags, and drug habits attractive traits again? I suppose that along with all the butterfly crop tops and bootcut low-rise jeans, comes the other side of the coin which are half-dead men being the boys à la moment to date. One year ago, could you ever imagine that the “hottest woman on the planet” would be dating… Pete Davidson? The only reason I ship Megan Fox and MGK is because I’m convinced Megan is siphoning off MGK’s life essence and uses it as a miracle night cream.

Someone found a PRAWN in a packet of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and it created a worldwide spectacle

Honestly, this was watched with rapture by my fellow Tweeter’s, when some random guy called out Cinnamon Toast Crunch for finding PRAWNS and a piece of string in his cereal, and the packet was taped at the bottom, and Cinnamon Toast Crunch called him A LIAR. The cheek of it! The agitated victim, Jensen Karp, was so pressed (rightfully so, if you ask me. This isn’t a shrimp cocktail, this is breakfast) that he got someone to scientifically identify exactly what species of shrimp was in the packaging. That’s sadly as far as we know what happened, but it was 100% prawn tails. Another reason why I will never eat Cinnamon Toast Crunch, the first reason being that I abhor cinnamon.