Well done babes, we made it.
And what a crazy year. It’s only once I started researching this article and going back through my liked tweets did I realise that holy shit, humans are absolutely nuts. And I thought, why not have a laugh about it?
I’ve decided in this 2021 recap to only include hilariously crazy items, because god knows there’s been a lot of fucked up things this year, and going into the 3rd year of the pandemic, we really don’t need any more downers than we’ve already got. So strap in and enjoy this list of all the crazy things that happened this year that made me laugh out loud. Yes, the bar is low, but you’ve read enough of my work now to know what I find funny. Hopefully, if you’re still reading, you do too.
Pandemic Day 25: I made bread 🙂— Bird Facts (@bird_facts_) January 27, 2021
Day 95: I sure do miss my friends
Day 310: The White House appears to be under the control of a shirtless man in a Viking helmet
Day 330: Reddit’s coordinated attack on Wall Street is going as planned
Joe Biden became president of the USA
Everyone’s favourite grandpa became President of the United States of America. On one hand, this is a blessing considering the alternate up for the job is an absolute moron – a super-callous-fragile-racist-sexist-Nazi-POTUS if you will. On the other, whether Joe Biden is up for the job, it remains to be seen. All in all, he’s got a big job cleaning up all the mess the last moron left. As long as he’s got his ecological and social virtues in the right place, that’s okay with me.
If someone showed me this pic before the pandemic about the future I would have thought my god they silenced women pic.twitter.com/bp1XBDdnlA— Katie Dippold (@katiedippold) April 29, 2021
Armie Hammer is an actual, real-life cannibal
Like I never expected cannibals to be as hot as Armie Hammer. It was a real-life awakening for me. Yes, psychopaths look just like us – and cannibals too! Feel a bit sorry for his wife, but not actually that sorry considering that if they’d stayed married, she might’ve ended up as filet steak. I mean, that girl he was having an affair with only just got to keep her big toe. Thankfully it didn’t end up in his pocket, like he had hoped.
Movie lines that didn't age well pic.twitter.com/P2HfgmuHuC— Lil Sasquatch (@lilsasquatch66) February 9, 2021
Some ego-centric billionaires tried to race each other to space
In the world’s most expensive dick swinging contest, Richard Branson, Elon Musk, and Jeff Bezos tried to race each other to space. Unfortunately (although any which one of them would have been unfortunate), Jeff won by shooting himself into space along with his brother and two other civilians. The entire 10-minute and 10-second flight I guess is the new version of flying over the Great Barrier Reef, or flying over the Alps. Except it cost $5.5 billion to set up the company, Blue Origin, and seats on the rocket go for around $28 million. Meanwhile rockets emit 100 times more CO2 than passengers on an earthly flight. So that’s a thing. The bright side is that no, Jeff Bezos is not an astronaut, according to the Federal Aviation Administration, who say that you have to essentially pilot it yourself or assist with its flight to be considered an astronaut. Just like sitting in business class doesn’t make me a pilot. Jeff Bezos was reportedly so pissed about it, that he made an ex-NASA astronaut award him with a custom Blue Origin wings pin, like a little fake FBI detective badge that you give to a child. Cute.
Jeff Bezos leaving earth will be the first time he’s given back to the planet— gianmarco (@GianmarcoSoresi) July 20, 2021
A bunch of morons in Viking helmets broke into The Capitol in support of a live Cheeto
Ah, idiots everywhere. And there was a congregation of them that decided to break into the Capitol building – a government building – for Trump, of all people. Unfortunately, there weren’t as many consequences for these dunces as I would like, but the bright side is, that women on Hinge are pretending to be right-wing supporters and then reporting them to the FBI when they confess. It’s fantastic, really. Girl power!
Well that escalated steadily for four years.— Ed Stern. Black & Trans Lives Matter. (@EdStern) January 6, 2021
Camilla thought the wildest thing that happened at COP26 was that Joe Biden did a smelly
Honestly the biggest news story I heard about COP26 was that Camilla was talking to Joe Biden and he did a long and loud smelly. Out of all the great points brought up in COP26, and all Camilla could talk about was a presidential smelly??? All that talk of excess methane must have set him off.
my president https://t.co/g8TPfdjjIk— Matt Binder (@MattBinder) November 7, 2021
Harry Styles was in a Marvel movie
Yes, my greatest wish has come true. As a huge Marvel stan, and an even bigger Harry Styles fan (I used to read Harry Styles fanfiction. Like actually read Harry Styles fanfiction. Who even am I) it’s honestly like my two loves coming together in holy matrimony. Playing Thanos’ brother, we always knew Harry was powerful and now it’s come to a head as character Eros, a celestial being that can stimulate pleasure of anyone within 25 feet. Harry Styles can… do that anyway, and he can do that without even being in viewing distance. So overall, pretty good work from the casting director.
hot girls stan marvel AND harry styles— katie misses harry! (@goldforevermore) November 5, 2021
Ever Given blocked the Suez Canal and we realised how precarious our postal system is
Someone fell asleep at the wheel, and woke up feeling like they’re drunk in bed and on an extremely large revolving carousel. “Disaster, my geometry’s all wrong! I should be heading straight down the canal instead of… into the desert!” Too late, he blocked it, like an extremely efficient but extremely inconvenient beaver with a dam. Poor dude ended up stopping billions of dollars of cargo from passing through one of the world’s busiest canals – you just know he got a whooping. For some reason it gave Twitter a real moment of peace, knowing that all you have to do to slow down the world a little is drive a cargo ship really badly.
i wanted to make a joke about the boat but it looks like that ship has sailed— rosemary donahue (@rosadona) March 29, 2021
My Boyfriend and My Wife – turns out they are dating
Yes, I am talking about Tom Holland and Zendaya. Tom has been on my Hot 100 list (quite near the top) for some time, and now his hotness has been boosted significantly due to those paparazzi pics. Zendaya is one of the – if not the – best dressed celebs on the planet, and god knows she’s hot A.F. Together those two are so powerful, it basically shakes the ground with the amount of feet that run after them in awe. One thing that always makes me giggle though is how they’re putting little heels on Tom’s dress shoes at premières to try and lessen the height difference. Shout out to our short kings.
need a relationship like Tom Holland and Zendaya (he posts about me obsessively every minute of every day, I barely acknowledge his existence)— abby govindan (@abbygov) November 30, 2021
Taylor Swift released her 10 minute version of ‘All Too Well’ and we all fell into a depression
Not that we weren’t in a depression already with the pandemic, you know, but we fell more deeply into our depression when this song came out, and Jake Gyllenhall fucking stole her scarf!!! Honestly this song genuinely made me cry, and now every time I listen to it I feel like I’m punishing myself – in the best way. Like pressing a bruise. I am also mad that her boyfriend didn’t show up to her 21st birthday party. So rude. Also, poor Jake Gyllenhall who is just trying to live his best life was swarmed by angry Swifties yelling about some scarf?
A lot of grown ass people got angry that she was “bringing up her old shit”, but I’m sorry to say sweaties (my favourite purposeful misspelling) that Taylor is just trying to own her own body of work. Have you never read the news? ‘All Too Well (Taylor’s Version)’ made history by being the longest No.1 hit of all time, after beating Don McLean’s ‘American Pie’ which previously held the record for almost half a century. Also, the album broke Spotify’s most streamed album in a day record, which was coincidentally her own record as last year’s Folklore. Imagine doing that with a 10-year-old re-recorded album, bitch. Go cry to someone else about it, bitch.
if you think that taylor swift is re-recording her music to carry out some dramatic take down of all her exes from nearly a decade ago, i know that means you haven’t actually listened to a full album of hers since 2012, or like, a single word that has come out of her mouth either— jamie stayed anyway ✨ (@jamieleeswiftie) November 15, 2021
if i was jake gyllenhaal i'd just post a selfie wearing that scarf then turn my phone off— alina (@loversinfilm) November 14, 2021
jake g would’ve gotten away with the way he treated taylor if scott borchetta hadn’t sold her catalogue to scooter braun it’s so funny to me these men just all took each other down— jess (@jesshakeitoff) November 12, 2021
jake gyllenhaal is screaming crying & throwing up— wolfgang ruth (@itswolfgangruth) November 12, 2021
Literally zombies starting dating the most sought-after women on the planet
Okay, sue me, but is it just me or is Pete Davidson like not hot at all? I’m sorry, he just doesn’t do it for me. Neither does MGK, who looks like a zombie marionette. Since when are extremely pale, dark eye bags, and drug habits attractive traits again? I suppose that along with all the butterfly crop tops and bootcut low-rise jeans, comes the other side of the coin which are half-dead men being the boys à la moment to date. One year ago, could you ever imagine that the “hottest woman on the planet” would be dating… Pete Davidson? The only reason I ship Megan Fox and MGK is because I’m convinced Megan is siphoning off MGK’s life essence and uses it as a miracle night cream.
pete davidson, travis barker, and machine gun kelly are the manic pixie dream girl of men….. the chaos goblin line cook— yeehaw meg (@yeehaw_meg) November 20, 2021
queen elizabeth spotted with pete davidson 6 months after husband’s death— oatmeal influencer (@acechhh) November 1, 2021
Someone found a PRAWN in a packet of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and it created a worldwide spectacle
Honestly, this was watched with rapture by my fellow Tweeter’s, when some random guy called out Cinnamon Toast Crunch for finding PRAWNS and a piece of string in his cereal, and the packet was taped at the bottom, and Cinnamon Toast Crunch called him A LIAR. The cheek of it! The agitated victim, Jensen Karp, was so pressed (rightfully so, if you ask me. This isn’t a shrimp cocktail, this is breakfast) that he got someone to scientifically identify exactly what species of shrimp was in the packaging. That’s sadly as far as we know what happened, but it was 100% prawn tails. Another reason why I will never eat Cinnamon Toast Crunch, the first reason being that I abhor cinnamon.
Ok, we’ll after further investigation with my eyes, these are cinnamon coated SHRIMP TAILS, you weirdos. I wasn’t all that mad until you now tried to gaslight me? https://t.co/7DmADmoqUt pic.twitter.com/rSLE60pvoy— Jensen Karp (@JensenKarp) March 22, 2021
started my new job today as social media manager for cinnamon toast crunch! time to take a big sip of coffee and log on— amy b (@arb) March 23, 2021
New Cinnamon Toast Crunch Oreo just dropped pic.twitter.com/0anluYL4JM— King Julien’s Merry Waifu (@Gardenboy15) March 23, 2021