First of all, I’d like to start off with the fact that I did not, and still do not, have any idea whatsoever who Machine Gun Kelly is. In fact, I keep calling him Megan Gun Kelly in my head – which to be fair is a pretty good ship name. No, but seriously, when Kourtney Kardashian started dating her man (Travis Barker? I also have no idea who he is or what he does) I was convinced Megan Fox and Kourtney were dating the same man, and somehow each of them had no awareness of the fact that their boyfriend was also dating someone else, regardless of the extensive PDA and paparazzi coverage.
Now I hope you’re similar to me in the way that you just can’t get over Machine Gun Kelly and Megan Fox super intensely dating each other. Like, super intensely. They’re literally like the modern-day Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee. They’re like Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton when they wore matching necklaces containing each other’s blood.
GQ has just come out with a cover spread interview with them both, and I just can’t get over it. I cannot come up with another word to describe my reaction apart from quizzical…??? I’m endlessly interested, but also slightly afraid, and overall, amused. I want to be a fly on the wall, but I also absolutely do NOT want to be, at the same time.
Their first meeting has turned into a viral meme, created by people who also are in absolute awe and (???) confusion (???) over these two people who seem to be entirely in a world of their own.
‘I just remember this tall, blond, ghostly creature and I looked up and I was like, “You smell like weed.” He looked down at me and he was like, “I am weed.” Then, I swear to God, he disappeared like a ninja in a smoke bomb.’Megan Fox
Apparently when they first met, and this extremely strange ganja ninja bomb happened, they also don’t remember seeing each other’s faces. Like ever.
“I think we weren’t allowed to see each other yet. We weren’t supposed to run into each other that night, so our souls, our spirit guides, were luring us away from each other, because [he] literally had no face, like that thing from Spirited Away. It is hard to see his face in general, but really he had no face that night.”Megan Fox
Like????? What is going on here???? Who are these people and what world do they live in???? Can I visit it??? But also, when I visit it, do I have the option to leave???
One THOUSAND percent they’ve definitely drunk each other’s blood, because they would take it as a bonding experience so they can connect with each other on a more spiritual level.
Not even joking, this was their first kiss:
‘Even our first kiss, she wouldn’t kiss me. We just put our lips right in front of each other and breathed each other’s breath and then she just left.’Machine Gun Kelly
MGK, I’m sorry, but she’s stealing your essence as a human being.
In my mind, Megan Fox is exactly her character in Jennifer’s Body (the scariest movie I’ve ever watched. If you ask me to watch Saw with you, it’s a hard NO and I’m leaving). But seriously, she’s a vampire. She just keeps getting hotter and MGK looks paler and sicker every day – like he’s getting drained of blood and energy. Megan Fox is a soul sucker. And a bloody vision at that! (Excuse the pun). She should exclusively wear Mugler for the rest of her life, although she might outlive creative director Casey Cadwallader considering her extended life span due to all of MGK’s extra energy she’s been inhaling.
They’re clearly super in love and have a crazy sex life. When I say “crazy,” I mean crazy good, but also crazy crazy – just a hunch. Like when Megan posted that Instagram with the caption, “When I tell you that the table at this air bnb saw some things,” and MGK was like, “I’m really glad that’s not our table anymore” and I was convinced they SACRIFICED someone on it. They probably (fingers crossed, probably) had crazy sex on it, but if it came out that they actually sacrificed a small animal on it, I really wouldn’t be surprised. I wonder how many Airbnb damage/cleaning fees they have after every place they stay in – yeesh. All those sacrifices must have serious carpet cleaning costs. Witchcraft is an expensive business these days.
Anyway, just wanted to check in with the fact that I hope everybody is as gobsmacked and quizzical?? as me when it comes to this relationship. I love it, but it also scares me to death. That poor man is going to perish at the rate Megan’s draining him. Let’s all pray together for Megan Gun – sorry – Machine Gun Kelly’s health (and frequent blood transfusions), but I also hope that they continue on this absolutely crazy ride they’re on, and bring us all with them. Because I’m infinitely amused. And probably a little afraid. Man, I hope I find a love like that one day… Just maybe a little more vanilla (sorry, I only practice herbal witchcraft…)
Feature image via GQ