I Won’t Buy These Things, But You Should

So, I’m a strictly tuck-in-my-shirt kinda gal, and it would look a bit weird with half my shirt flapping in the wind, but if you’re a big power-look lover, and you don’t mind showcasing your love-handles – you have to buy these pants. I actually put these in my cart, and just hovered over the Pay Now button for about five minutes. Then I deleted the tab and had to go have a glass of wine. My wine habit is certainly not getting me any closer to the no-love-handles goal, but you win some you lose some, I guess. Wear with a striking blazer, a little bra top (or even better, no bra!) and some very thin stilettos.

This black mini dress has been the highlight of the season for me. In fact, pretty much everything designed by Nensi Dojaka is on my wishlist. Unfortunately for me, her clothing is made for ladies with smaller breasts than I. Perfect for our A/B-cup ladies, or even ladies with fake breasts that stay where you want them to, this little cut-out strappy number is on many a trendsetter’s wishlist.

Worn by Camille Charière for her photoshoot with L’Officiel Paris; Adwoa Aboah for her campaign with John Hardy jewellery; and Emma Louise Corrin for some première that I wish I was invited to, this is the newer, edgier update of the LBD. Ultracool with the geometric panelled bust, but feminine with the silk chiffon and dainty straps, it’s a dress that says, “Hey, I’m that cool girl from university that’s beautiful and mysterious, and probably grew up on a reserve in Africa where we protect white rhinos, but now I just do boring stuff like being a muse to Alex Turner. Have you heard of him? He’s from the Arctic Monkeys.”

I love this top, like, so much. Like so much. And I’m a huge supporter of Free The Nipple. I think all nipples (women/men/non-binary) should be free to live their best lives. In my mind, nipples living their best life is either taking in the rays on a beach in Tahiti, or being encircled by a glamourous Swarovski spiderweb.
Personally, I don’t think I have the confidence to pull off web-adorned nipples, but I really respect people who do. Wearing nipple pasties underneath would 1) make you look like a creepy Ex-Machina robot, and 2) just not give the top what it deserves. And that’s free nipples. If you’re a free-wheeling, scene-stealing, keen-feeling woman, you need to buy this top immediately, and I’ll live vicariously through you. Right, enough with nipples.

These shorts are perfect to wear when you’re wanting to look seductive to your boyfriend on a crisp winter’s Sunday morning, and you’re dancing around to the Rolling Stones on the radio, eating a baguette and stirring something (probably something healthy, like spinach) at the stove, and you’ve got that magazine bed-head that literally nobody has when they wake up in the morning (it takes a talented hairstylist, I’m not going to lie to you), and every now and then you take a sip of your morning espresso that for some reason you’re having in a ginormous mug which you hold with both sleeve-covered hands. Yeah.
Except, for some reason, when I wear briefs that are cut like this, I just look like a big baby. Literally, a baby in a nappy. That’s what I looked like, standing in front of the full-length mirror in the middle of the shop.
And then a woman walked out of her changing room wearing the exact same briefs looking like Dakota Johnson in that morning-cooking-breakfast-while-dancing scene in Fifty Shades of Grey, and I went back into the changing room, put my big-girl pants back on, walked out of the shop and never looked back. But I think about it often. I wish I looked good in those briefs.

There’s been a big resurgence for slinky knits recently, with brands like The Line by K, Ruve, and Jacquemus cashing in on sexy knitting. This strappy singlet has wonderful cut out details down the front, which looks incredible…sans brassière. Made in a solid baby blue, or baby blue plus chocolate brown undertones, it’s the perfect palette for summer 2021. Paris Georgia is one of my absolute fave kiwi brands who originally dealt in silk-satins, but now have an all-encompassing collection of knits, satins, and everything else. Fans include Kendall Jenner, Dua Lipa, and Irina Shayk – and it’s only a matter of time before one of those perky breasted women walk about of their New York apartments in this singlet and then it sells out in the next 30 minutes. Get in there early! I warned you…

Since I’m not cool enough to go to Mykonos this year, I may have to pass on this glorious mandarin beach bag. Surprisingly enough, I don’t own that many beach bags, and have been using my black and white checked Dior tote in the interim, which I have to say, is slowly turning that bag into pudding. So really, I’m in the market for a beach bag.
Enter: Gucci. Gucci lovingly, and just in time for summer hols, decided to come out with all these fabulous retro-inspired beach bags, in a variety of colourways to match the summer destination. Going to Capri? Well whaddyaknow, Gucci’s got you covered with a fuchsia pink banger with green trim so you can walk straight out of the Gucci store, cross the piazza, and buy yourself a matching pink and green dress from Missoni. A win.
Ibiza, you say? Well, thank god Gucci also made a yellow one with bright red retro G’s that you can wear with some jazzy shorts at the colourful Aiyanna beach club. The possibilities really are endless.

Kind of off-brand for me, but for some reason I’m drawn to this jumpsuit. Worn by Kylie Jenner and Dua Lipa, this absolutely wild knit jumpsuit that is good for absolutely-no-occasion-that-comes-to-mind is at the forefront of my thoughts. The only relevant situation I can come up with is a large girls-only sleepover where you all dress up. Kylie and Dua clearly thought this jumpsuit was the ultimate clubbing outfit, so you can also go down that route. Once again, knits are having a trend explosion, and I love a good knit and cut-out, so this jumpsuit is right up my alley. It even has little heart-shaped buttons, so you can pretend you’re Polly Pocket, like the good ol’ days. I jest, but actually I can’t stop thinking about the jumpsuit. Someone buy it so I can admire it up close.

Once again, I am not going to Mykonos this year, but if I was… You betcha bottom dollar I’d be dancing the night away in this beauty. Honestly, maybe I should go to Mykonos, just so I can buy these things. Anyway, this dress is hand-made in Ibiza using 3000 beads and takes 50 hours to make! Dance parties are practically infused into the dress! I love the orange, yellow, and gold ombré that creates a resplendent sunset look. Instead of having a sunset that lasts 5 minutes max, you can make the sunset last all night long – and people always stop to admire a sunset, so expect to be admired wherever you swish. Mixed with the fringe beading, you can live out your 1920’s Great Gatsby dreams in Ibiza style – dancing on a beach as the sun goes down.